girl ipsa loquitur: 04/10/2005

Friday, April 15, 2005

Here's a HEADLINE: Philip Morris to Research Smoking Dangers
Why am I not more excited?

This should be some good news for those wacky anti-smoking zealots. And I really tried to feel optimistic about it. However, 10 years of concerted effort on the part of Philip Morris USA has not resulted in any appreciable "hazard-reduction" so call me crazy but I'm not holding my breath. (Holding my breath! Get it?)

"Over the past decade, Philip Morris USA has dedicated significant resources toward scientific research, new product development and commercialization [sic] which might help address the harm caused by smoking," John R. Nelson, Philip Morris president of operations and technology. "This center is another step in that effort."

"new product development and commercialization"?!? Is it just me or is this laughable? Tell me how new product development is going to address the harm caused by smoking? You will say, wait just a darn minute, Ms. Ipsa! We can think of some helpful products. So can I, friends, so can I.

Here, in a totally gratuitous and altruistic attempt to assist mega-gigantic-yet-so-far-totally-ineffectual-evil-corporation in their effort to improve the dangers of smoking, are some helpful new products ideas.

The Smoking Isolation Helmet

If you find yourself both a helpless addict AND an unwitting contributor to the second-hand smoke related illnesses of loved ones this product is for you. This light weight, yet air tight helmet system offers all the benefits of smoking, as well as all the detriment, to the wearer alone. It's your own "Smoking Section", take it anywhere for smoking pleasure without all the annoying coughing and gagging from your seat mates. Simply insert the lit cigarette into the self-contained safety** chamber and inhale delightful and refreshing ciga-air, unadulterated by that unhealthful smog and allergen infested fresh air others breathe.

The Negative Reinforcement Pack

Each pack contains specially created Negative Reinforcement Cigarettes (NRCs), designed to explode when lit. The consumer receives a double benefit: Each NRC represents a short term 100% reduction in inhaled toxins since it is impossible to successfully smoke the NRC; and the flinchy fear of explosion might cause the consumer to light up less often creating a long term reduction as well. Additionally, many users of the NRC pack require treatment in emergency rooms which generally prohibit smoking creating a potential collateral gain of 6 - 12 hours in a smoke free environment with each use. The benefits are not to the consumer alone. The manufacturer also gains because it will continue to sell the same number of packs of cigarettes and suffer no loss in profit. Its a Win-Win, yeah!

Nasty Taste Paint & Stain

This handy little product allows the consumer to paint a vile tasting, staining substance onto each cigarette. It stains the lips, teeth and fingers of the smoker to an unappealing yellow-brown-nicotine color thereby discouraging the smoker from lighting up. It makes the consumers breath, hair and clothing smell revolting as well. The deterrent effect is questionable though since the results so closely resemble regular smoking and apparently that hasn't deterred smokers yet.

I don't think its likely my ideas will catch on. I don't think Philip Morris really wants to deter smoking. Although the days of pure caveat emptor are clearly behind us, I wonder how we can justify continuing to allow the production and marketing of a such a deadly product? The warnings are inadequate to deter the majority of first time smokers who just happen to be invincible, bullet-proof and immortal. This particular group is hard to deter. Which brings to mind my last helpful deterrent idea:

The $25.00 pack of cigarettes. Here's a plan we can put in place without any expensive research at all. And you can bet a cigarette just got harder to bum.

**Safety, as used in every aspect of this helpful proposal, is not intended to mean actual safety or to even imply safety-like qualities. Its is merely an illustration of a possible construction of the implicated result we would like you to presume we intended when we wrote the advertising information associated with this product which may or may not include actual safety. Your results may vary.